Replacing the Patriots with New England Based Fictional Characters

A much needed overhaul for the struggling team.

NOTICE: This post is probably far too long to read in your email. Sorry.

It’s football Sunday, which unfortunately means I have to watch my hometown New England Patriots struggle with almost every facet of the sport. I was blessed to grow up in an era of greatness that sports fans around the world can only dream of. I’ll admit, as much as I enjoyed it, I think I may have taken the Patriots’ success for granted. It just seemed like they would be good forever. That is, evidently, not the case. As of writing this piece, the Patriots are 1-3 with their only victory being a 15-10 shit-show over the Zach Wilson led Jets. The Patriots defense is plagued with injuries, and the offense doesn’t know its ass from its elbow. Things just aren’t clicking. However, they did just build a SWEET new video board! And a big lighthouse! (I’m being sarcastic, but I’d be lying if I said the new additions weren't at least kind of cool).

The other day, I was thinking about the current state of the New England Patriots. Then it hit me. The Patriots need a rebuild. Unfortunately, rebuilds often take years to come to fruition, and I’m a spoiled Patriots fan, so I need results now. The logical next step for the Patriots is to abandon NFL players altogether and enlist some local fictional characters. To save them some trouble drafting a brand-new team, I took it upon myself to do it for them. Fortunately for the new team, I had a plethora of New England based movies and tv shows to pull from.

Before I reveal the brand-new New England Patriots, I have to mention some of my personal ground rules when forming an imaginary team:

Rule #1: The character must be from New England or in a movie/show that takes place in New England, preferably Massachusetts.

Rule #2: The character cannot be from a movie or television show that is based on true events. No Mickey Ward from The Fighter, No Patriots Day, No Black Mass, etc. Characters that were “inspired” by true events are still on the table.

Rule #3: None of the drafted CHARACTERS can be current professional football players, so Joe Kingman from The Game Plan is OFF the table, and it kills me to do this, but Tom Brady from Ted 2 is also off the table, sorry.

Rule #4: The drafted character cannot be from a movie or television show that I deem too sad. No Manchester by the Sea. I will however be breaking this rule once.

The rules are in place, and there’s only one thing left to do. Unveil your NEW New England Patriots.

DEFENSE:

Let’s take a look at the defense first because DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS! I’m kidding, I just personally think I drafted a better offense than defense, so we will save them for later.

DEFENSIVE BACKS:

At Strong Safety, we have Martin Brody from Jaws (1975).

Former Chief of Police in the small village of Amity Island, Martin Brody is the right man for the strong safety position. He prides himself on protecting the citizens of his small town, and that pride will naturally translate to the football field. 20-foot murderous shark? Halfback wheel route? Not on his watch. If toughness is a question, let me remind you, Martin Brody fought Jaws, and won.

At Free Safety and Cornerback, we have the MacManus brothers from The Boondock Saints (1999).

Connor and Murphy MacManus gave up assassinating mobsters to try their luck on the gridiron. The Patriots already won Super Bowl LIII with the McCourty twins, so it doesn’t hurt to try again with another pair of brothers. This pick may raise questions about the MacManus’ athletic ability, but I came prepared with game film that illustrates their skill and ability to improvise.

After falling through a ceiling and being caught on some rope, the brothers turn something into nothing with this upside down, spinning assassination.

At Cornerback, we have Robert McCall from The Equalizer franchise.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen any of these movies, but I watched enough clips to know that this man has a spot on the team. A former marine, McCall brings hand to hand combat expertise to the Patriots, which will lead to countless broken up plays and man-to-man interceptions. He’s also played by Denzel Washington, so he’s a guarantee.

Score Update: The real-life Patriots are down 34-0 to the Saints. Yuck.

LINEBACKERS:

At Middle Linebacker, we have Doug MacRay from The Town (2010).

Doug MacRay was a no brainer for this pick. Middle Linebackers are essentially in charge of the whole defense. MacRay’s experience orchestrating intricate robberies will translate nicely into making sure all players on the field are doing their job. He will have a direct line of communication in his helmet with the Defensive Coordinator. Just in case things don’t go his way, he can always kidnap, and ultimately fall in love with, the opposing team’s quarterback.

At Right Outside Linebacker, we have Doug Platt from Goon (2011).

This fictional Patriots team will likely pack the box, and pepper the opposition with inside blitzes. What Massachusetts native Doug Platt lacks in athletic ability or skill, he makes up for in GRIT. Every team needs a grit guy. All he needs is Doug MacRay to tell him to blitz the A gap. Next thing you know, he’s leading the AFC in sacks.

At Left Outside Linebacker, we have Sergeant Dignam from The Departed (2006).

“Okay.”

If you’ve seen The Departed, then you know that Sergeant Dignam is a dick. On the field, he wears a cowboy collar with shoulder pads that are far too big. Despite concerns about his attitude, the Patriots are taking a chance on him. He may play a little dirty, but his intentions are in the right place, and he certainly always pulls through in the end.

DEFENSIVE ENDS:

At Left End, we have Billy McBride from Good Will Hunting (1997).

This one is kind of self-explanatory. Part of Will Hunting’s crew of lovable degenerates, Billy McBride is just a generic Boston tough guy. Let’s give him free rein as an edge rusher. Why not?

At Right End, we have CIA agent Bob Stone from Central Intelligence (2016).

No explanation needed. The Rock says he’s gonna sack your candy ass this Sunday night!

DEFENSIVE LINE:

At Defensive Tackle, we have Scott Voss from Here Comes the Boom (2012).

Scott Voss is a schoolteacher turned UFC fighter. Scott brings some practical skills to the field with his background in collegiate wrestling. He also has a unique ability to take a hit. In his UFC debut, he shocked the world with a third round TKO after being bullied for two rounds. I think Scott will be an unsung hero when it comes to stopping the inside run.

At Defensive Tackle, we have Eric Lamonsoff from the Grown Ups franchise.

Eric Lamonsoff may come off as a doormat, but offensive linemen be warned. Lamonsoff is one of the most resilient players on the field. If you don’t believe me, rewatch the scene from Grown Ups when Lamonsoff uses the rope swing. The proof is in the pudding. We need guys who can bounce back from hits like that. The only concern I have with this pick is conditioning. After faking an injury to get out of a pickup basketball game, I’m not sure how Eric Lamonsoff will adapt to the big leagues.

You: “But wait, Kevin James can’t be both of the D-Tackles!”

Me:

Ladies and gentlemen, your new Patriots defense:

OFFENSE:

The current New England Patriots struggle with offensive production. The final score of today’s game was 34-0. With my new and improved offense, the Patriots will be able to blow out every team they play.

OFFENSIVE LINE:

At Right Tackle, we have Officer Fluzoo from Grown Ups 2 (2013).

Officer Fluzoo is a shoo-in for the right tackle spot. Check the tape.

He literally throws a human being 40 yards over a house. Imagine what he would do to a rookie defensive end.

Aside from his physical stature and real-life athletic ability, Fluzoo brings a good vibe to the locker room. He stands up for the people he cares about, much like an offensive lineman standing up for his quarterback.

At Right Guard, we have Trooper Brown from The Departed (2006).

Trooper Brown is one of the most underrated characters in The Departed. In the film, Brown unfortunately dies for trying to do the right thing. He’s a team guy with good intentions. Also, he will be a Hall of Famer if his wife tells him they can be “intimate” after he gets the gold jacket.

At Center, we have Norm Peterson from Cheers

Norm is a glue guy. He brings a level of camaraderie that will resonate with the rest of the team. His alcoholism does raise some concerns, but I think if he focuses and gets help in the off-season, the team will be in good shape.

At Left Guard, we have Detective Mullins from The Heat (2015).

Detective Mullins is tough as nails, and just crazy enough to earn a spot on this team. She’s not going to take any shit from anyone. As far as strategy goes, Mullins will be a key asset when pulling off the edge, making room for the fullback (who will be named shortly) to fill the gap.

At Left Tackle, we have Godzilla from Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019).

One of the main problems with the real-life Patriots is the lack of pass protection. Luckily, I think we found our ringer. You’re probably thinking, “Godzilla is not from Boston!” and you would be correct. Godzilla is technically an ancient Kaiju from the Hollow Earth. However, the finale to 2019’s Godzilla: King of the Monsters takes place at Fenway Park. Thus, Godzilla is an honorary Boston movie character, making the monster fair game for this fictional team. As far as physical attributes go, they speak for themselves.

TIGHT ENDS:

At Tight End 1, we have Chuck Sullivan from Good Will Hunting (1997).

Chuck Sullivan, much like Billy McBride is your average blue collar, Boston tough guy. At first glance, there is nothing too exciting about his abilities on the field. However, there is one factor that will be revealed in due time…

At Tight End 2, we have Tommy Cavanaugh from Grown Ups 2 (2013).

All you have to do to find success in Tommy Cavanaugh is tell him the opposing team is on that dumb son of a bitch Vince MacMahon’s payroll. Cavanaugh 3:16 says I just whooped your ass.

WIDE RECEIVERS

At Wide Receiver 1, we have Jem Coughlin from The Town (2010).

Jem Coughlin is the perfect scrappy slot receiver. He fits in perfectly to the Julian Edelman and Wes Welker mold. Put him in the slot, dump it off to him, and watch him go. If you’re not convinced, his final stand against the police in The Town is perfect evidence that he will fight for every yard until the final whistle.

At Wide Receiver 2, we have Joel from The Last of Us.

Joel is just built different. If he is capable of protecting a human teenager during the apocalypse, then he can protect the ball in the red zone. He understands the gravity of important situations and will be able to shine in the postseason.

At Wide Receiver 3, we have Hubie Dubois from Hobie Halloween (2020).

This pick may be a head scratcher, but I saw the tape.

Once you see him making defenders miss like this, you’ll be singing a different tune.

Before I reveal the backfield and quarterback, I have one pick for special teams.

SPECIAL TEAMS:

At Kicker, we have Sabrina from Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

She has magic powers. She’ll never miss.

BACKFIELD:

At Fullback, we have Ted from Ted (2012).

Ted is built like a fullback. He’s short, stocky and packs a punch. If you’re a blitzing linebacker, you’re not going to want to meet this man in any gap. I’m sure you have some logistical questions about a teddy bear playing fullback, but he did beat Mark Wahlberg in a fight, so I guess that kind of answers said questions.

At Halfback, we have Jimmy Markum from Mystic River (2003).

Remember how I said I was going to break my rule about picking characters from movies that are too sad? Well, here we go.

This choice was tough to make. After finding out his daughter was murdered, Jimmy Markum displayed perhaps the most impressive feat of strength I have ever seen.

Grim circumstances aside, it took about 8 cops to hold him back. I have no choice but to recognize that. I can’t speak for his speed, but if he can channel that kind of rage and despair on the field, then he will be impossible to tackle.

QUARTERBACK:

There were many potential QB candidates for the fictional Patriots. Ultimately, I landed on perhaps what many would consider the obvious choice.

At Quarterback, for your fictional New England Patriots, we have Will Hunting from Good Will Hunting (1997).

I had Ryan Fitzpatrick in mind when I decided that Will Hunting would be playing quarterback. Will is extremely intelligent. His brains will take him a long way in this league, especially with the team we built around him. His connection with Chuckie Sullivan at tight end will be a certified touchdown factory. The one concern I have with Will Hunting at quarterback is the fact that he might not be able to get out of his own way. How will the rest of the team respond to his attitude? Only time will tell. Luckily for Will Hunting, a team is only as good as its leader, so I also drafted a Coaching Staff. How do you like them apples?

COACHING STAFF:

Head Coach: Sean Maguire from Good Will Hunting (1997).

Perhaps the only person that can manage the personalities on this team. He is, without a doubt, the best choice for head coach. He is the key to Will Hunting’s success on the field. Will threw a pick in the red zone? All Sean Maguire has to do is hit Will with an “It’s not your fault.”

Sean Maguire is one of the most likable characters in the history of movies. This is thanks to Robin Williams exceptional performance. I’d follow him into battle. Unless I have to go see about a girl.

Defensive Coordinator: Benoit Blanc from Knives Out (2019)

He’ll be able to see what an offense is scheming up from a mile away.

Offensive Coordinator: Captain Queenan from The Departed (2006)

“We deal in deception here.” His play action and trick plays would be unmatched.

Assistant Coaches: Billy Costigan from The Departed (2006) and Patrick Kenzie from Gone Baby Gone (2007)

I’m not really sure what they would do, but I just wanted to include them somehow. Both great characters from great movies.

The Patriots are now 1-4 since beginning this piece. I hope this fake team distracted you almost as much as it distracted me. The fictional team could likely finish what the 2007 Patriots started, the perfect season. Unfortunately for me, I have to return for reality and support the real life current New England Patriots. It’s okay though, I’ll still watch regardless of how terribly they play because that’s what being a fan is all about.

Let me know if I missed anyone.

Thanks for reading.

Congrats on making it to the end.

Go Pats.

-CJ