The Canyon Diablo Dirt Devils: America's Pastime

The "long-awaited" finale to Georgie and Wilbur's saga.

Editor’s Note: This piece will be filled with anachronisms and overall inaccuracies. Suspend your disbelief and have a little fun.

In early August, Georgie met Wilbur for one final story. They had freshly graduated high school and were preparing to move onto bigger and better things. To recap, Will was gearing up to attend Boston University in the fall, while George was training to become an ironworker. They feared this day would come, the first day of the rest of their lives. To be frank, neither George nor Will was confident in their future plans. George did not want to enter the workforce, doing manual labor for the rest of his life, and Will did not want to amass wild student loans, considering he had no real passions to pursue.

As their futures crept closer, they had no choice but to have one last hang, in which Will would shock George with a tale from a familiar place.

Georgie and Wilbur come from a small town, so they spent their final day together doing what any kids from the suburbs do, driving around their hometown with no destination like it’s some bad coming-of-age movie.

As the lights of chain restaurants and four-lane intersections illuminated the inside of the car, Will broke the silence of their mutual reminiscing.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about one of your stories,” Will said.

“Which one?” George asked, “the one about my distant aunt Marisol who was correctly accused of being a witch?”

“No, the one from Canyon Diablo,” Will answered.

“Canyon Diablo? Is that the one about my great-great-grandfather?” George asked.

“Great-great-great,” Will said.

“What?” George asked.

“Your great-great-great-grandfather, Waylon Jennings,” Will said.

“Right. Excellent memory. What about it?” George asked.

“Well, my family did the ancestry.com thing, and it turns out my great-great-grandfather had a stint in Canyon Diablo, Arizona, about twenty years after Mr. Jennings attempted to invent socks,” Will said.

“Canyon Diablo was a tough place to be; how’d it turn out for him?” George asked.

“Do you have time for one last story?” Will responded.

In 1892, the violence in Canyon Diablo, Arizona, was at a boiling point. The typical shootouts, saloon brawls, and robberies were only getting worse due to a budding rivalry with another town just 350 miles away, Broken Branch, Arizona. The people of Broken Branch claimed that they live in the toughest town in the West. Unfortunately, the consistent bloodshed in Canyon Diablo wasn’t enough to deter the Broken Branchites. The Gunfight at the Falling Rocks put Broken Branch on the map as far as being a “tough” town. Canyon Diablo took that personally. They were not going to let a thirty-second shootout that happened ten years prior dethrone them as the West’s most dangerous town.

Tensions were boiling very slowly. It was about a two-and-a-half-day trip on horseback, but people were much more patient back then. The feud began when the Sheriff of Canyon Diablo, my great-great-grandfather, Cuthbert “Cuddy” Nelson, began planting posters claiming Broken Branch was flush with silver. Technically it wasn’t a lie, but the bandits of Canyon Diablo took it as an invitation to ransack Broken Branch, leaving several bodies in their tracks.

To retaliate, The Brutal Boys of Broken Branch set dynamite on the unfinished railroad, drastically slowing the process of Canyon Diablo’s potential economic boom. The railroad system was Canyon Diablo’s ticket to prosperity. Out of sheer fury, Cuddy devised a counterattack. His plan was to kidnap silver tycoon and Broken Branch mayor Herman Longworth. Longworth was essentially a monarch to the people of Broken Branch. Cuddy lacked resources for a crew of upstanding lawmen, so he enlisted the help of the most dangerous gang in Canyon Diablo, The Diablo Valleymen. Cuddy’s plan to kidnap Longworth would give Canyon Diablo the upper hand in what seemed to be a never ending dispute. Cuddy was an honorable man who had no intentions of harming Herman Longworth. He just wanted to leverage Broken Branch into peaceful discussions.

After a long, hot journey, Cuddy and The Valleyman arrived in Broken Branch. They were welcomed with empty streets. Not a single person stood in the town square. A tumbleweed even rolled by. Cuddy ordered the men to stop. His eyes darted around Main St. He examined the general store, saloons, butcher shop, and tailor. No one was there. It was too quiet.

The meanest Valleyman, Jim Wicked, was fed up with the nonsense.

“We came all this way, might as well get a fuckin’ drink,” Jim said as he sauntered to the saloon.

As the double-action doors of the Broken Branch saloon swung open, a loud CRACK echoed from inside. Jim Wicked flew back onto Main Street with a sucking chest wound. A pool of blood formed on the sandy street. The Valleymen began firing into the saloon. Wood, glass, and bodies flew around like confetti. When the gunfire stopped, Cuddy called out into the saloon.

“Where is Longworth!?” Cuddy yelled.

He was met with silence.

“I’m going to ask again,” Cuddy said, “where is Herman Longworth?”

“He’s at his house, fucko!” a voice exclaimed from inside the saloon.

“Alright folks, we’re not here for you. We’re here for Longworth. We are gonna go to his house and speak with him,” Cuddy said, “If I suspect any funny business, we’ll come back here, and we’ll kill everyone in this town,”

Cuddy spits his chaw on the ground and turns around. The Valleymen keep eyes on the saloon, preventing an ambush.

Herman Longworth lived in a stunning mansion that sat just outside of town. The Valleymen, led by Sheriff Cuddy, approached Longworth Manor with malicious intent. They were greeted by a man in a sharp tuxedo. He smoked a cigarette and leaned against the window by the front door.

“Can I help you, boys?” the Man said.

“We’re here for Mr. Longworth!” a Valleyman shouted.

“Longworth huh… Well, I suppose you’ve come to the right place,” the Man said as he swung the door open for the Valleymen to enter.

“That was kind of easy, no? He just let us in, didn’t even ask what we wanted with Longworth,” Cuddy whispered to a Valleyman.

“Herman is a disease,” the Man said, after hearing Cuddy’s comments, “He sacrificed his soul for riches beyond his wildest imagination, and what did that get him? An existence with no sense of purpose, no family, and no love. I’m the closest thing he has to family, and I can see why. He’s a monster,”

Cuddy stared at the Man.

“Jesus Christ, sorry I brought it up,” Cuddy said.

Longworth heard the pounding footsteps coming up his stairs. He did not flinch. He just sat back in his chair and sighed. The door to his office swung open and he was sitting face-to-face with Sheriff Cuddy.

“You’re coming with us Herman,” Cuddy said.

“WAIT!” Longworth yelled, “I was anticipating this. You’re here for the liberty bonds I stole from that train. I told One-Arm Wilhelm it was a bad idea, but no, we just had to rob the train. I didn’t want to do it! They weren’t supposed to die!”

“What? No,” Cuddy said, confused.

“Oh, well, in that case, there was no train, and One-Arm Wilhelm is a made-up person. What can I do for you, fellas?” Longworth asked.

“These criminals and I are here to kidnap you,” Cuddy said, “your boys blew up our railroads. I’m not sure we’re ever going to recover. So now we’re going to take you to Canyon Diablo to be hanged. Once your Broken Branch boys see what we did to their mayor, they will have no choice but to lay down their guns and declare Canyon Diablo as the toughest town in Arizona,”

“That’s what this is all about? Who has the toughest town?” Longworth asked.

The Valleymen and Cuddy nod.

“You can’t kill me,” Longworth said, “I promise it will do nothing but cause more harm. These people hate me. If I die, there will be a bloody power struggle that will ultimately result in more trouble for Canyon Diablo,”

“Well, we came all this way,” Cuddy said as he approached

“No, wait, wait, wait!” Longworth yelled, “I have an idea,”

Longworth began to lay out his plan. He told Cuddy and the boys about his friend Bird Coler, the Commissioner of the WPBA (Western Professional Baseball Association).Professional Baseball hadn’t made its way to Arizona yet, and Bird was ready to change that. Longworth proposed that he send a telegraph to Bird in Chicago, proposing that Broken Branch and Canyon Diablo settled their beef with Arizona’s first-ever professional baseball related armistice.

Longworth then had to explain, in great detail, how baseball worked. After about an hour and a half, Sheriff Cuddy and the Diablo Valleymen were still hesitant to lay their reputation on the line over a game, so Longworth sweetened the deal. To fully convince the boys to spare him and play ball (get it… play ball), Longworth mentioned that he was close personal friends with President-Elect Grover Cleveland and could get Cleveland to sign a legal document stating that the winner of the baseball game is the toughest town in Arizona. If you’re wondering how any of this makes any sense, it was 1892, so anything goes.

Cuddy and the gang returned to Canyon Diablo to spread the news that they would be playing in a baseball game against Broken Branch. After explaining that the guys on their cigarette packs were baseball players, the Canyon Diabloans agreed to play.

Sherriff Cuddy knew the most about baseball, despite having it explained to him two hours prior. He needed to field a team for the big game: so he held tryouts. Canyon Diablo’s roughest and toughest came out for the tryouts. No one could really throw, catch, or hit, so Cuddy decided to put the nine meanest guys he could find on the team. Broken Branch had the same plan.

Both towns spent the month training until one day, Canyon Diablo found its ringer. Waylon Jennings Jr., great-great-grandfather of our very own Georgie Jennings, had traveled to Canyon Diablo from Boston to avenge his father’s death. Unfortunately for him, the U.S. Marshall that shot his father died of tuberculosis six years prior. He had to make the month-long trip from Boston worth it. Luckily for Canyon Diablo, Waylon knew all about baseball from his time in the Northeast. He began coaching Canyon Diablo’s team alongside Sheriff Cuddy. They even made uniforms with their new team name: The Canyon Diablo Dirt Devils. Broken Branch even came up with team branding of their own: The Broken Branch Bronco Busters; they LOVED alliteration.

As the big day approached, the teams were ready. Both teams arrived in the agreed upon neutral location: a lot of dirt that is now known as Pie Town, New Mexico. Longworth fronted some money to build a baseball diamond as well as bleachers for the caravans of citizens who wanted a piece of the action. The stage was set.

Instead of the National Anthem, the fans from both sides fired their guns in the air for 90 seconds (Star Spangled Banner did not become a tradition until 1918, but they had to do something before the game). The stadium was buzzing. Grover Cleveland even made a rare appearance, despite having several presidential obligations. Then, the game began.

1st Inning:

After three four-pitch walks, Waylon Jr. had a meeting at the mound with pitcher Scoot Wilkins, he told Scoot to imagine that the catcher’s mitt was his yellow-bellied neighbor that kept impeding on his land. It seemed to do the trick. Scoot, with bases loaded, shut out the next three batters. As the Bronco Busters took the field, the Dirt Devils were ready to show them what they had been working towards. However, all three batters struck out, swinging at every pitch.

2nd, 3rd, and 4th Innings

The game remained scoreless, but remember, these guys just learned what baseball was, so we must be patient. Fans were becoming restless due to the lack of action. In the third inning, Longworth proposed a pitch clock to speed up the game. His idea was vehemently opposed. He is currently laughing from the grave.

5th Inning

Still, neither team had scored, but the game witnessed America’s first ever streaker. A man ran onto the field towards J. Waldo Smith, but was swiftly shot. In Smith’s defense, it was 1892, and he probably thought he was under attack.

6th Inning

The Bronco Busters struck first with an RBI double from Centerfielder, Albert “Cannonball” Briggs. If this was modern times, Cannonball would have been suspended for guzzling a tonic made from cocaine, morphine, and amphetamines. It’s honestly a miracle he made it 9 innings. The crowd erupted. They had seen robberies and shootouts, but nothing compared to the All-American Baseball action they were witnessing.

Score: 1-0 Busters

7th Inning

Waylon Jr. and Sherriff Cuddy knew they had to answer quickly before the game got away from them. They employed the “Run n’ Gun” tactic. The plan was for leadoff hitter Joe “The Shoe” Robins to lean into the first pitch and take a walk. Once on base, former Valleyman and current local politician Roosevelt “Wichita” Floyd would bunt. The Bronco Busters would be shocked by seeing their first-ever bunt, which would give Wichita enough time to light a stick of dynamite and taunt defending players with it. The confusion and fear from Wichita would allow Joe “The Shoe” to round the bases tying the game.

Score: 1-1 (The run counted despite Wichita Floyd’s ejection from the game).

Longworth employed Canyon Diablo’s famed Saloon pianist, Ragtime Jeff, to play “Hello, Ma Baby” during the 7th inning stretch.

8th Inning

By the 8th inning, fans were tired… and hammered. Rocks and concessions flew onto the field, but there was a game to finish. Canyon Diablo was not going down without a fight. Unfortunately, Scoot Wilkins was growing extremely tired, and his arm was not going to hold on much longer. The Bronco Busters took a commanding three-run lead.

Score: 4-1 Busters

9th Inning

The final inning had arrived, and the Dirt Devils held the Busters off, giving themselves a chance to take it and declare their town the toughest in Arizona.

Due to several ejections, Sheriff Cuddy and Waylon Jr. had to enter the lineup. With two men on base, two outs, and Waylon Jr. up to bat, the Bronco Busters decided to intentionally walk him. This was a smart move considering he was the only one who knew how to play baseball. Unfortunately, the idea of an intentional walk was not as developed, so the pitcher just threw it right at Waylon’s head.

Sheriff Cuddy was up to bat next, with bases loaded, in the bottom of the ninth. As the first pitch came in, Cuddy closed his eyes and swung for the fences. CRACK. Cuddy got under the ball and smashed it over the fence. Canyon Diablo had won the game. The fans were mesmerized by seeing their first walk-off grand slam. Guns fired, people wept, and one man even burst into flames, but I think that was unrelated to the home run.

Score: 5-4 Dirt Devils Final

President-Elect Grover Cleveland quickly signed the document declaring Canyon Diablo as the toughest town in Arizona. He fled immediately after, for fear of his safety.

The people of Canyon Diablo and Broken Branch returned to their respective towns with a newfound love for baseball.

Sheriff Cuddy and Waylon Jr. became close friends, and eventually took over the WPBA. They added several rules to ensure the safety of players and spectators. Unfortunately, the Dirt Devils were denied entry into Major League Baseball due to their violent reputation. Cuddy and Waylon Jr. shook it off and made an honest living running an independent league until the death of the Old West. They eventually made a fortune betting on the correct side of the fixed 1919 World Series. Aside from close family, no one ever heard from them again.

“So you’re telling me that our great-great-grandfathers were best friends and business partners?” Georgie asked.

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you,” Wilbur answered.

“I have to hand it to you: that story might be the most surprising either of us has ever told,” Georgie said.

“I know, I had to end it with a big one,” Wilbur said, “I’m gonna miss telling stories,”

“Me too,” said Georgie.

“What if we don’t stop?” Wilbur asked.

“What do you mean?” asked Georgie.

“Well, what if we just continue to tell stories and hopefully make a living off them?” Wilbur asked, “I know you don’t want to be an ironworker for the rest of your life, and I sure as shit don’t want to waste tens of thousands of dollars on an education I’m not going to make the most out of. We could just write these stories down and maybe publish a book.”

And that’s exactly what they did, much to their parents’ chagrin. Georgie and Wilbur abandoned their future plans to become a writing team. Their first book, G&W True Tales from the Schoolyard, became an overnight success. It quickly became a New York Times Bestseller, catapulting them into literary stardom. They parlayed their success from the book into a hit podcast and eventually a movie franchise. Georgie and Wilbur grew up to become icons in American pop culture, thanks to the little stories they told each other during recess.

The End

Until next time.

Thank you for reading.

-CJ