Ten Random Things I Think About More than the Roman Empire
Take notes ladies. Your boyfriend is probably thinking about at least one of these too.
If you have been keeping up with the latest TikTok trends, or you payed attention in history class, then you should be familiar with the Roman Empire. I’m not here to give anyone a history lesson (until later perhaps), so we’re going to be focusing on the TikTok trend. Thankfully I’m not on TikTok anymore, but my attention has been aggressively taken over by Reels. I am working on my screen time, but I digress.
In early September, a new trend broke out and took over social media by storm. The trend involves people asking their male spouses, how often they think about the Roman Empire. The trend blew up mainly because their responses were shocking. It turns out, dudes think of the Roman Empire way more frequently than originally anticipated. Some guys say three to four times a month, others say everyday. My friend (shoutout Logan) asked me about it before I knew it was a trend, and I had no choice but to answer truthfully: almost never. I was just as shocked as anyone to find out how often men are thinking about the Roman Empire.
This trend got me thinking. I may not be thinking about the Roman Empire, but I’m certainly thinking. Are there other random things that I think about more than the dominant empire of Ancient Rome? The answer is yes. Here are ten of them in no particular order, strap in folks:
10: The Minecraft Realm the fellas and I started.
I’ll keep this one quick because I’m sure no one really gives a shit, BUT some friends and I started a Minecraft world last night, and I HAVE NOT stopped thinking about it. I haven’t played Minecraft in over a half decade. Even when I played back in the day, I only played in creative mode and blew up mountains with TNT.
Before I wanted to be a writer, I had brief aspirations of becoming a landscape architect. I have no idea why, I think I just thought it was cool to see turf fields in the middle of cities. I’m not even sure that landscape architects are even responsible for designing or building them. The point is, this Minecraft world we created scratched the itch in my brain that yearns for landscape design.
Side note: As of today, my house looks far better than my boy Bart’s.
Side note 2: After day two, I lost everything in the mines. I hate this game.
Side note 3: I began writing this a long time ago. Since then, a lot of Minecraft has been played. My house is by far the smallest, but it’s definitely the coziest. I’m just happy to be here.
9: What my next Substack post will be.
I’m literally always thinking about what to write. I implemented the Wednesday Watchlist as a way to remain active between posts. Luckily, it was met with positive responses. I’m always open to suggestions, especially if it is a subject I can really sink my teeth into. Time to move on to the good stuff, but thank you as always for your support and kind words.
8: The end of Click.
They got us with the old bait and switch.
I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we initially thought Click (2006) was going to be a typical goofy comedy from Adam Sandler. At the time, Sandler was known for exclusively silly comedies, besides Punch Drunk Love (2002), but everyone knew that movie was going to be sad. Click stands out to me because 75% of the movie IS a goofy comedy, until it isn’t. The story follows Sandler as Michael Newman, a workaholic that utilizes his time for work, when he should be spending time with his family. His work/life balance takes a positive turn when he meets Morty (Christopher Walken) in the Beyond section of Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Morty gives Michael a universal remote that can control the world around him. Typical comedy hijinks ensue, but the remote is mainly used for Newman to finish his work. Unfortunately, Michael ends up using the remote to skip everything he doesn’t want to do. The film takes a very dark turn when Newman starts missing key moments from his life due to the careless use of the remote. The remote recognizes events that he previously skipped and skips them every time they reoccur. It gets EVEN darker when Morty is revealed to be the Angel of Death. Finally, the story concludes with Newman dying on the street, full of regret, in front of his entire family.
Gets me every time. The filmmakers try to soften the blow by saying that it was all a dream. Michael wakes up in Bed, Bath and Beyond as a cheerful Nick Swardson, who was watching him sleep, greets him. Michael returns home with a newfound appreciation for his family, and it’s a happy ending, I guess. Like that is gonna make us forget the horrifying movie we just watched.
I think about this movie WAY more than I think about the Roman Empire. I spent far too much time on this section, but there is one more thing about Click that I have to mention. Michael is a bonehead for the way he went about using the remote. Any smart person would use the remote to pause the world, do all of their work, and resume to spend time with their family. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t make for good cinema.
Click rules regardless.
7. Creed, and other similar musical artists.
I’m not sure if it’s just my algorithm, or if Creed is making a crazy comeback, but I see Creed related content on Instagram almost constantly. I asked my roommates (shoutout Jared and Mike) if it was happening to them as well. The 2000’s rock band had also seeped into their algorithms, likely through their association with me.
Earlier this year (ahead of the curve, no big deal), I wrote about Creed in Strictly Bops III: Currently
If you don’t want homework while you’re already reading, I’ll give you the short version. Until this year, Creed had a similar reputation as Nickelback. Everyone claims to hate them, but everyone secretly loves them. I described my relationship with Creed, and how I listened to them SO much as a joke, that I ultimately ended up loving them. This is happening to me more often with similar bands.
Regardless of my personal love for Creed, we still need to answer the question: algorithm or comeback? I see countless memes about Creed “butt-rock” bands, but is everyone else getting the same treatment as me? The question was answered a few days ago. During the ALCS, Higher by Creed became the anthem for the Texas Rangers. The entire stadium sang along, as well as the team in the locker room after the big win.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Creed Renaissance on our hands. Their impact is growing despite an eleven year hiatus. Does Creed have a bigger impact on culture than The Roman Empire? No, not at all. I just thought it would be very funny to write and publish that sentence.
Update: Since beginning this piece, the Texas Rangers won the World Series. Once they got Creed in the mix they were a lock.
As for Creed themselves, they announced their long awaited comeback tour. You can consider me there. Creed-aissance confirmed.
6. The football scenes from Euphoria.
Since the inception of 1 AM Media, I have wanted to write a piece about Euphoria. I created my Substack right as the second season ended. It was the hottest show in its (so far?) two season run. The controversial HBO drama about high school, as you probably know, was a very popular topic on social media. Everybody had opinions on just about every aspect of the show. I never ended up writing about it because it was impossible for me to have a fresh take on it.
However, one glaring issue I have with Euphoria is its football scenes. For a show with such high visual quality and attention to detail, it blows my mind that they let this absurdity into the show:
Jacob Elordi is a good actor, don’t get me wrong, but no one in the history of football or football media has ever held a football like this. I’m not one to nitpick movies or TV shows, especially ones I like, but it made me laugh out loud.
I thought I finally had a fresh take that no one else was talking about. It turns out, the football scenes are much more absurd than I originally noticed. Molly O’Shaughnessy of The Ringer wrote an excellent piece about the football game from Euphoria. You can read it here: Breaking Down the Nonsense Football Game on ‘Euphoria’. It goes so much further than just Nate Jacobs’ terrible ball security, and is well worth the read.
5. How I would do on Survivor.
Survivor is a cultural staple of America. In 2000, Survivor revolutionized reality television and competition shows. Twenty three years and FORTY FIVE seasons later, I believe I have seen enough to know how I would perform. Before I analyze my own attributes and qualifications, I want to mention something I’m seeing more and more in recent seasons, particularly the current season. I’m referring to, of course, the rise of quitting. In the current season, three people have quit. Hannah, Brandon, and Sean all asked to be voted out for various personal reasons. I can’t speak for them because I’ll never know what it is actually like to be on Survivor. However, I can’t help but think about the other 24,983 people who signed up, watching three out of seventeen contestants give up. I can imagine it drives prospective contestants insane. Everyone knows their own limits and have their own reasons for leaving, so I can’t really fault them, but I’m sure there are other people at home that feel they are more deserving of the opportunity. Regardless, it’s time to analyze how I would do, from the comfort of my home.
Challenges:
First things first, I’m a good swimmer. By no means am I extraordinarily athletic, but I would shine in challenges that involve swimming. Many of the immunity challenges involve swimming early on, it gives the tribe a head start if their tribe member can swim fast.
As far as the other physical challenges go, I don’t think I would necessarily stand out, but I could definitely be an asset to my tribe. I’m preposterously out of shape right now, but if I combined my natural age advantage with some preparation, I could be a weapon.
When it comes to puzzles, I would not do very well. I struggle to figure out the puzzles when I’m watching the show on TV. Luckily, there are usually people in the tribe that specialize in puzzles, so they can handle that.
Social Game/ Strategy
The main reason many people are voted out of Survivor early on is the fact that they fly too close to the sun. They know how important it is to make big moves, but their ambition ultimately becomes their downfall. In the early game, it is important 1) not step on anyone’s toes 2) be personable, and 3) be loyal to the right people. I am confident that I could make it to the merge under the radar.
It would be integral for me to show my value in challenges, be helpful around camp, and not cross anyone early on. Many players over the years have succeeded in doing this, but they run into trouble when they have no choice but to make big moves late in the game. I see myself in the same situation. Many of the cutthroat players would see me as a loyal goat. A goat is someone that strong players think they can beat if they take the goat to the final three. If I made it that far, I would have to pull something crazy out of the back pocket. Ultimately, finding the right alliances, and riding them to the top would be my best plan of action. I’ll cross the “make a big move” bridge when I get there. Hiding under the radar and making a LATE move is a solid plan if you want to win. You just have to make it there first.
Verdict:
My gameplay and challenge performance would take me far in Survivor, but there are two (2) things standing in my way that would derail the entire experience: bugs and seafood. I am so irrationally afraid of bugs, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Unfortunately for my hypothetical Survivor career, a remote island in Fiji is home to many scary bugs. Aside from rice, contestants usually only eat fish and crabs that they catch. I also have an irrational fear of sea creatures, which has prevented me from eating seafood. I tried swordfish once and kind of liked it, but the contestants are eating crabs and whatever fish they can get their hands on.
These two fears would evidently prevent me from even getting on the island so it turns out I would perform terribly on Survivor, though it is fun to daydream about it.
4. World War II
Guys love World War II. It’s such a dad thing to be interested in, but there is a logical explanation for this. It seems like the last (somewhat) straightforward conflict in world history. This is largely due to the many movies and books focusing on the good vs. evil morality aspect of war. I’m not going to dive in to the X’s and O’s of World War II, because that would take years, and I’m far from an expert.
I think about World War II far more than The Roman Empire because it occurred recently enough for us to fathom. Many of us have relatives who served during World War II, which gives us a strong personal interest in the subject. I do want to note that World War II draws so much interest because the history itself is extremely fascinating. Some time periods are interesting BECAUSE of movies and TV shows. World War II is arguably more interesting from a scholarly standpoint.
To illustrate the timeline of male interest in World War II, I created this graph:
As you can see, interest naturally grows over time. I have always been interested in learning about World War II, but my interest grew exponentially when I took a World War II class with Dr. Tomes in college. Thankfully it crossed out my social science requirement. I really liked Dr. Tomes’ style of lecturing, as well as the book he assigned, World War II: A Very Short Introduction by Gerhard Weinberg. It was the perfect way to begin learning about World War II from an academic angle rather than just watching movies and TV. While I have been trying to read more for pleasure, this book was one of the few assigned books in my academic career that I actually read. Highly recommend.
3. Mountain Dew White Out
I don’t really drink Mountain Dew anymore, but every once in a while I’m reminded of the glorious days of Mountain Dew White Out. There’s really no telling why a beverage is this high on the list so let this serve as a reminder, this list is in no particular order. Besides #1 of course.
I had no recollection of White Out ever being discontinued, until one day I realized that I hadn’t been blessed with the crisp, refreshing taste in quite a while. Nowadays, Baja Blast is the heavy hitter in the Mountain Dew realm, and rightfully so. However, if I had to put both Baja Blast and White Out head-to-head, White Out takes the cake.
The taste is indescribable, mainly because it’s been so long since I had it. It was described as citrus, but the Original Flavor is also citrus. White Out was similar to Sprite with a unique Mountain Dew twist.
Unfortunately, the days of Mountain Dew White Out appear to be over. According to the Mountain Dew Wiki (lmao), select retailers still sell White Out in the Midwest. You win this round Midwest.
2. The Attitude Era
In April, I wrote a full Substack post about professional wrestling. After writing the piece, I was inspired to watch old WWF (now WWE) pay-per-views. When the pay-per-views weren’t hitting the same, I decided to watch Monday Night Raw, in chronological order, beginning in 1998. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
For those who don’t know, wrestling is separated by different eras that have distinct features in their content. 1998 happens to be right in the middle of The Attitude Era, which many agree to be the peak of pro-wrestling. The Attitude Era is known for its borderline vulgar content, creative risks, grittiness, and excellent performers. 1998 was the perfect time for me to start rewatching wrestling. Some of the superstars from The Attitude Era include: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, The Rock, DX (Triple H, X-Pac, The Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, Chyna(RIP)), Owen Hart (RIP), UFC Champions Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn, Mark Henry, masked Kane, The Undertaker, all of Mick Foley’s identities, Sable etc. The list goes on.
I could do another entire post about The Attitude Era, but I have to keep this behemoth of a post somewhat succinct, even though it’s far too late for that. The point is, if you’re a fan of wrestling, rewatch old episodes of Raw. They are still wildly entertaining and still shocking to this day. Also, of course wrestling is “fake”, but it is still physically impressive, and makes for great entertainment.
1. The Old West
THIS IS MY ROMAN EMPIRE. When guys on TikTok were saying they thought about The Roman Empire multiple times a week, my initial thought was “I never think about The Roman Empire, but I think about The Old West probably three times a week.”
My love for The Old West stems from several sources. One of them is Red Dead Redemption 2, which is in my opinion, one of the best video games of all time. The narrative of this game could stand toe-to-toe with just many popular television shows and miniseries. It’s so good.
Another source that makes me long for a time I never existed is Outlaw Country. I wrote a brief piece about Outlaw Country when I was first starting my Substack. Admittedly, it was probably the worst thing I have published on 1 AM Media. I just didn't really know what I was talking about, but I was eager to post more content. Since then, my love for the genre has only grown. I’m constantly finding new songs and artists that surprise me.
The final source of Wild West inspiration is Westerns. I still need to watch many of the older Westerns, including the “Dollars Trilogy” starring Clint Eastwood. Regardless, Tombstone (1993) and Wind River (2017) are a couple of my favorites. The true story behind Tombstone was a large inspiration in many of my fictional western stories.
Unlike World War II, I haven’t done much research in the real history of the Wild West. My love for the Old West is strictly derived from fiction and media. So, I may be thinking about the Old West, but I’m really thinking of the romanticized, almost imaginary version of the Old West that I have created for myself. Either way, I’m going to retire in Montana and live off the land.
Thank you, as always, for reading.
If you made it to the end… nice.
Goodbye
-CJ