On the Road - The Most Dangerous Rock Tour of the 20th Century: A Short Story

This is a work of fiction.

Housekeeping: Hello all, I missed you dearly. I’m coming off my third hiatus, which is 3 more than I’d like to admit to. I apologize for my lack of posts, even though many of you probably did not notice. For those that did, thanks. I started a new job around the same time as my last post, and it has taken up a great deal of my time. Not only has the job been a huge time commitment, but a screenplay I am working on has also drained my writing battery. It sucks that it has taken a toll on my Substack, but I am trying to live out my dreams before I have to try get a real job with a resumé and whatnot. Anyways, it’s good to be back, and I appreciate all of you as per usual. I attached a playlist to accompany this post. This is the type of music Glacier Cherry would be playing on the road. Please compliment the thumbnail.

I mean C’mon. For a fictional band that I made up, it’s not half bad.

It has been a few years since we last saw Georgie and Wilbur. They even go by George and Will now. Over the years, their friendship remained strong, but the stories became few and far between, When they did decide to tell a story, it was always a good one. This story is no exception. On the second week of George and Will’s sophomore year, they landed themselves in detention. George and Will staged a walkout to protest after Aubrey Graham Regional High School raised their prices of Arizona Iced Tea from $1 to $1.25. None of the other students joined in. Thus landing George and Will in detention with their favorite teacher, Miss Perry. Miss Perry was no stranger to George and Will. They found themselves in detention quite often and Miss Perry was more than happy to let them tell their stories and dick around as long as they didn’t get her in trouble. So they swapped stories every time they were in detention, which brings us to today.

“Okay, I got one,” George said, “It’s a banger.”

“Don’t tell me it’s a lie about some distant relative that got into some otherworldly hijinks.” Will responded.

George snapped back, “Firstly, that’s exactly what it’s about. Secondly, can we just skip this bullshit frame narrative banter?”

“Fine.”

In 1978, my uncle Lloyd played guitar in a band called Glacier Cherry.

“Like the Gatorade flavor?” Will asked.

“Yeah, the band members’ estates are in a heated lawsuit at the moment, but that’s not the point” George answered.

Uncle Lloyd and Glacier Cherry were popping off in New York City. They played at CBGB and other local venues until their tour manager, Rick, told them that it was time to take the circus on the road. Glacier Cherry was interesting because they made fairly harmless music, but their shows were notoriously rowdy and aggressive. They never understood the bubbling tension coming from the audience. It didn’t matter to them because they were focused on the music, and the music was damn good. Rick told them that their first tour, the “Glacier Cherry: On the Road Tour” would kick off in the Northeast, starting in Boston at the brand new Paradise Rock Club. It would end at the already historic Red Rocks Amphitheater in Morrison, Colorado. They avoided going any further west than Colorado because drummer Val Chimes had a longtime beef with Eagles frontman Glenn Frey over a parking ticket. Frey blames Chimes for parking in a tow zone, but Val wasn’t even driving. Uncle Lloyd was, but he was never going to tell Val that, it would break up the band.

The band embarked by bus (the bus’ name was Ol’ Blue) on their six month U.S. Tour with their tour manager Rick, their two roadies, both named Marshall, and their bus driver Jimmy One Eye. Jimmy lost his eye shooting a Red Ryder BB gun at Jug Minkin, the bass player. Before you ask, yes, this event was the inspiration for “A Christmas Story”. Jimmy One Eye hasn’t seen a cent of that money. After making it across the highway that bridges NYC and Boston, what do they call it? Oh yeah. Connecticut. Anyway, when they got to Boston, they prepared for the show.

Boston Show:

Paying customers lined the street waiting for tickets. The band assumed it would be a good idea to enter the Paradise Rock Club through the front door. They were immediately mobbed by fans (and some enemies). As Glacier Cherry tried to weave through the crowd of Bostonians, one man yelled, “Hey fahk you Val Chimes! Eagles fah life, kid!” as a bottle shattered on Val Chimes’ forehead. The crowd dispersed just enough for Glacier Cherry to make an escape into the venue.

As Glacier Cherry took the stage with Val Chimes looking like a civil war veteran, or this emoji (🤕), the crowd erupted. They brought the house down. When it came time to settle up with the venue, a man entered the green room wearing a tan leather bomber, sporting slicked back hair.

“Hello gentleman.” the man said.

Glacier Cherry just looked at him.

“If you don’t already know, my name is Willy Bannion.” Willy said.

“So?” responded Bobby Mince, the frontman.

“So. I run things here in Boston” Willy responded. “If you come to town and play a show, you throw me a cut, and I make sure you get out of here alive.”

“And if we don’t?” Mince asked.

“It’s gonna be a long night for you,” Bannion barked.

Uncle Lloyd, who had already snorted a heaping amount of cocaine, was fed up with Bannion’s threats.

“Fuck you buddy!” Lloyd yelled, as he swung on Willy Bannion. He missed Bannion, but struck one of Bannion’s goons in the neck. An all out brawl ensued, fists flew, bodies flew over couches, the only saving grace was the few cops that were not in Bannion’s pocket broke up the fight, allowing for Glacier Cherry to make their escape to their next show.

The next few shows were pretty uneventful, aside from the usual stir the fans would cause. Nothing that put Glacier Cherry in danger. After their show in Little Rock, Arkansas, Glacier Cherry was traveling to Oklahoma City.

On the way to the show, as the band left a gas station, Jimmy One Eye noticed a switchblade jammed into the front tire of Ol’ Blue.

Chevron Gas Station. Outside Tulsa, Oklahoma

Four hicks wearing jeans, cowboy boots, and flannels sauntered in front of the bus’ door.

“Well well well.” the leader of the men said. “If it ain’t Glacier Cherry.”

“What’s with the movie villain entrance?” chimes Chimes (I’m sorry I had to do it at least once).

“You boys have a show in OKC tonight don’t ya?” one of the hicks asked.

“Yes sir, didn’t your wife tell you about it?” Uncle Lloyd responded, he was kind of a dick.

“That’s exactly why we’re here!” the hick snapped as he pulled out a switchblade “I saw my wife painting a poster today, you know what it said? It said ‘Pop my Cherry, Glacier Cherry!’”

The band began laughing hysterically.

Mince spoke up, “I’m sorry brother, but you are incredibly insecure in your marriage. We wouldn’t do that to a red blooded American such as yourself.”

“You’re not gonna get the chance, pal.” the man responded as the hicks stepped toward Glacier Cherry. They stopped dead in their tracks when Jimmy One Eye pulled a shotgun from the luggage of the bus, and aimed it at the hicks.

“I’ll do it! I got one eye! I’m fucking crazy!” Jimmy yelled.

“Yeah! He’s fucking crazy!” Uncle Lloyd said.

The hicks ran off.

Glacier Cherry was late to the show in Oklahoma City which caused a small riot. As soon as they arrived, the riot subsided, but the police slapped a big fine on the band. Their next show was in Austin, Texas.

Austin Show:

As Glacier Cherry arrived in Austin, there was a tangible tension in the air. They were aware of the ongoing feud between country and rock fans. They thought it would be funny to open the show with “Mammas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow up to Be Cowboys” by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson, which had just been released. The rock fans were furious, because they were expecting a rock show. The small, but imposing country crowd in the audience were looking for any reason to cause havoc. The band had to leave after the first song, taking a huge financial hit, as well as legal trouble for inciting a riot.

Glacier Cherry’s notoriety was growing rapidly. Their fans were as devout as any of their predecessors. For some reason, this almost always led to violence and bedlam. Unfortunately, they were on top of the world financially and critically, which gave them no reason to stop. It was time to conclude the tour at Red Rocks.

Red Rocks Amphitheater, November 4th, 1978

Glacier Cherry was ready for their final show. It was always a dream of Uncle Lloyd’s to play at one of the United States’ most historic venues. Everything seemed normal leading up to the concert. The one thing stopping Glacier Cherry from having the best show of their lives was the band’s drug use. Bobby Mince was hitting the bottle as hard as ever, while mixing in some heavy pharmaceuticals. By some miracle, Uncle Lloyd had actually stopped using cocaine after a run in with the police at a bar in Mobile, Alabama.

Mince’s drug use heavily affected his ability to perform. This show was supposed to be the culmination of everything they have worked so hard to achieve. When the band took the stage, it was clear they were not prepared. Mince was slurring his words, he could barely stand up on stage. Val Chimes was playing out of time due to his many concussions, that he received in various fights on the road (none of which he deserved). Jug Minkin played the bass just fine, he was a real stand up guy. Uncle Lloyd, fresh into his sobriety was extremely irritable. This lead to tensions within the band, especially between him and Bobby.

As the boos rained down from the rows and rows of seats, Bobby turned on the crowd.

“Oh what, you don’t like this? Glacier Cherry is the best band to ever walk this Earth!” Mince screamed into the microphone, “We’ve sold out 45 cities, your boos don’t mean shit! I’m cashing my check the second I’m out of this shit hole and riding right off into the sunset.”

The taunting only made the crowd more ornery. Bottles flew onto the stage. The band kept playing, poorly. People began to leave the amphitheater in droves. The band finished their set to a dwindling audience.

Glacier Cherry concluded the “On the Road Tour” in infamy by performing their worst show ever. They barely broke even after all the legal fees and fines.

“What happened after Red Rocks?” Will asked.

Val Chimes was shot and killed in 1982 by a crazed fan. Some say it had to do with his beef with the Eagles, but it was a Glacier Cherry ride or die.

Bobby Mince overdosed on painkillers at the age of 27, joining the infamous “27 Club”.

Uncle Lloyd disappeared while touring with his second band, The Scoots, he was last seen in Boston. I believe it had something with swinging on Willy Bannion.

“What about Jug?” Will asked.

Jug Minkin quit music altogether and became an artist. He owns a gallery in the Upper East Side, and just recently sold a painting for $2.1 million.

“At least Jug got a happy ending” Will said.

“Excuse me, George?” Miss Perry chimed in as she looked on in disgust. “That was all made up, and please never tell it again. It was foul.”

“Sounds good Miss Perry, see you tomorrow.” George said.

The End

Thank you for reading!

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Have a Good One.

-CJ