Interview with a Tree

Behold, the final assignment of my college career.

Hello again. I’m back again with something a little different. The same class that inspired me to write my Career Fair post, inspired me again to write this one. We were tasked with conducting an interview with any tree. It was an exercise in asking solid questions when eventually interviewing a human being. I was immediately intrigued by the idea of personifying a tree, giving it human emotions, and formulating insightful responses. The biggest challenge was choosing a tree that interested me enough. As I impulsively decided to drive home, I realized I had the perfect tree waiting for me. Without further ado, my final college assignment: Interview with a Tree (Submitted at 4:30 A.M. the day it was due).

I have not put a great deal of thought towards specific trees in my life, until this week. There are quite a few recurring trees, from the old, bark-less trees lining my street in Queens, to the drooping V-Shaped Willow that sits at the top of the driveway at my childhood home. I ultimately decided that the V-Shaped Willow knew me better than the Queens trees, in other words we had more of a rapport. This may not have been the most ethical decision from a journalistic standpoint, but then again, I am interviewing a tree. So I planned an impromptu trip home to get this interview just before the deadline. As I drove through the pouring rain in Connecticut, I conjured up some questions. When I arrived home, the Willow was on time, waiting for me, just like every other time I made the trek from Queens to Massachusetts. 

Conor James: Hello again, how have you been?

Willow: Look who decided to stop by. How are things in the big city?

CJ: Firstly, I would hardly call it the big city. Secondly, my time has run its course. I’ll be back indefinitely on August 1st. How have you been?

W: The same. I’ve been freezing for six months, but my leaves are coming back. 

CJ: They’re certainly coming back in full force. Don’t you think it’s time for a trim? 

W: That’s actually incredibly painful, to be honest.

CJ: Oh, in that case, I’m very sorry. Considering you are a tree, and can’t go anywhere. What is it like to be in one place?

W: You’d be surprised. I actually feel quite fulfilled. The truth is, we trees don’t really ask for much. I get plenty of action here in the neighborhood. I saw a fox once. There is no shortage of deer. Neighbors taking walks. Even the occasional weed deal in the cul-de-sac, which is strange because if I’m not mistaken, weed is legal here. Isn’t there like twelve dispensaries in a ten mile radius?

CJ: That is correct. You seem to know a lot about marijuana, why?

W: It’s a plant thing. I have a vast knowledge of all things botany.

CJ: I’m more interested in your personal experience being the centerpiece of this property. My father expelled some trees about fifteen years ago. What was that like for you?

W: I’m not sure if you did your research because I was planted after The Great Tree Exodus of 2007. I didn’t even know those guys. I’m now carrying all the tree responsibility around these parts. 

CJ: You have been a part of my family’s lives for so long. Do you have a favorite moment?

W: There are so many. I miss when you all were younger and still ran around, played games, basketball, spent time outside. Now you’re all grown. I really only see you guys when you go to work, or when your mom hosts a wedding in the backyard. Two separate weddings in one backyard. Impressive numbers. 

CJ: I miss that too, but life must go on. If I had the time, I would love to run around, use my imagination, and almost die on the rickety trampoline. Unfortunately, part of growing up is getting a job and sacrificing that free time. What’s next for you? 

W: If all goes as planned, you’ll outlive me. Like I said, trees don’t ask for much. I’m just going to enjoy the ride while I can. 

CJ: You have a very relaxed outlook on life. Why is that? 

W: Going back to the botany thing, I have been spending a lot of time with the weed. Just kidding, the truth is, I don’t have to deal with the responsibilities or stressors of human life. The worst thing that can happen to me is getting chopped down, and I seriously doubt that will happen as long as you guys live here. You have to deal with the extremely complex trials and tribulations of being a human. I don’t know how you people do it. So many bad things can happen.

CJ: Sometimes I don’t know how we do it either. I suppose it’s better to just focus on the positives in life. Do you have any simple pleasures?

W: Of course, all I have are simple pleasures. I love to see animals. For a suburban area, you get quite the variety of wildlife. Snakes, toads, foxes, fisher cats, deer, skunks. It’s interesting to see them just go about their business. What kind of animals are in New York?

CJ: The worst ones. In my first apartment we had a vermin turf war. The rats ran the street, the mice ran the apartment. The raccoons ran the roof, and the stray cats ran the backyard. Tensions were very high. It was a dark time. Is there an animal that you really want to see, but haven’t?

W: The beauty of the wildlife in this neighborhood is that you never know what you’re going to get. The fun part is wishing for nothing and seeing something new. I like dogs, though. 

CJ: You’ve met both of my dogs. Did you like one better than the other?

W: Piper is cool, but I don’t see her much. She is too intimidating to the neighbors to roam free. I do miss Shemp. He was a lunatic, but he came around more often. I always thought it was silly that you had a crazy little white Bichon and a sedentary Newfoundland living in the same house. 

CJ: So did I. Are you scared of anything?

W: I mentioned earlier that I didn’t have many stressors, but come to think of it, the weather here is very dangerous for me. Nor’Easters are so scary, they don’t even say the whole word. Aside from the weather, I sometimes worry that you guys will move away, and the new owners will chop me down. I’m still young, you know. 

CJ: Unfortunately that is not up to me. Do you interact with the other trees in the area?

W: Yes, and I wish we spoke earlier because that tree with the widow-maker branch hanging at the top was a real maniac. He was ready to kill. I could have warned you. 

CJ: Luckily no one got hurt. I only have a few more questions, I’m shocked at how well this is going. To take a step into the deep end, are you capable of feeling love?

W: I’ve had a crush on the Cherry Blossom across the street for about ten years. Until that new guy moved in and cut her down. After that, I’m not sure I’m capable of loving anything anymore. 

CJ: That’s about as profound as it is heartbreaking. Especially considering the dating pool is shallow here for a tree.

W: You’re telling me. 

CJ: If you could be turned into any wooden item in the afterlife, what would it be?

W: That’s a wild question to ask. That’s like me asking you “What happens when you die?” I’ve been told Willow trees are commonly used to make wicker baskets. I would have preferred a baseball bat, but I’m pretty sure it’s not in the cards for me. 

CJ: Never say never. What is your favorite part about being a tree? 

W: The answer you’re expecting is providing oxygen for humans and animals, but I really enjoy just sitting here looking damn good. Even with those hideous Christmas lights. 

CJ: I can respect a confident tree. I should take a page out of your book. I know books are a touchy subject considering the whole paper thing. Is there anything you have been really riled up about lately?

W: Not really. I have nothing to complain about. I’ve had a good life so far. Actually, I wanted to thank you for strapping me together with ratchet straps as I grew. Without this little cosmetic work, I would have fallen to the ground, and died.

CJ: It’s the least we could do. Lastly, is there anything you would like to tell the world? 

W: Sure, and thank you for giving me this platform. It’s hard to be riddled with so many thoughts, while having no way to express them. Humans have it easy. Some consider sentience a curse, but it’s clearly a gift. Humans have the ability to completely control their environment. You get to wake up every day and decide how the events of your life will unfold. Some things may be out of your control, but you have the agency to adapt and change from these uncontrollable circumstances. I, however, do not have thoughts. This was just a carefully crafted conversation from the imagination of a college student. Luckily for you, if I could have thoughts, I think you hit the nail on the head. 

Thanks Willow, and thank you for reading.

Smell ya later.

-CJ